Blog

the mind of a stalker

Through The Mind of A Stalker

Through The Mind of A Stalker In this article, Sanam Naran takes us through the thought processes of a stalker and helps to identify one.   What Signs Should I Look Out For When I Suspect I Might Have a Stalker? One of the common things a stalker will do is to lurk around your home or workplace. A stalker constantly watches you from a distance, you’d have to spot them from outside of your immediate circle.  You will also notice a string of repeat phone calls. A stalker will often times give inappropriate gifts. They will manipulate you to interact with them. With the emerging of technologies such as social media, stalkers can now cyberstalk you. A stalker will also attempt to stalk and interact with your family and friends. In escalated cases, a stalker may start threatening you.   What Character Traits Do Stalkers Typically Have? Stalkers are typically jealous, especially of their subject.  Stalkers have a manipulative character.  They are typically narcissistic.  Stalkers, along with a manipulative character trait, they are also deceptive. they are obsessive and compulsive They typically fall in love instantly. They are socially awkward or uncomfortable. They typically have a need to be in control. They depend on others for a sense of self. Stalkers are typically unable to cope with rejection. They have a sense of entitlement (you owe me!). Unable to take NO for an answer (learn more on boundaries) Does not take responsibility for own feelings or actions.   What Mental Health Illnesses Are Linked To Stalking? Rather than a disorder in itself, stalking is a behavior that falls under the umbrella of symptoms for various disorders. According to a 2012 study published in the journal, Aggression and Violent Behavior, “Motivations for stalking include a delusional belief in romantic destiny, a desire to reclaim a prior relationship, a sadistic urge to torment the victim, or a psychotic over-identification with the victim and the desire to replace him or her.” And stalkers can fall under a variety of diagnoses, including psychotic disorders; personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder; and delusional disorders.   Take Us Through The Different Stalker Subtypes?   Rejected Stalker Some stalkers have been rejected by a person they wanted a relationship with, or have just experienced a breakup. The stalker may be looking for a way to salvage their relationship, or want to remain as close to the victim as much as possible. In other instances, they’re angry and want revenge for being rejected. Predatory Stalker Predators are often sexually obsessed or have deviant sexual fantasies. Typically male, their victims are usually women who are strangers, but who the stalker has a sexual interest in. It can start with voyeurism, which becomes a precursor to a sexual assault. Incompetent Suitor These kinds of stalkers are typically incompetent at relationships, lonely, and target strangers or casual acquaintances. They assume they can convince the object of their desire to start dating them. They can often seem blind or indifferent to the suffering they inflict on the victim. Many of these stalkers have poor social skills. Resentful Stalker Some people become stalkers because they feel like they’ve been mistreated in some way. These stalkers often have some form of mental illness, experience feelings of paranoia or persecution, and can be self-righteous and self-pitying. Stalking the victim can be a way to get revenge for their perceived mistreatment. They feel like they have a certain amount of power over the victim as they stalk them. Intimacy-Seeker Often mentally ill, the intimacy-seeking stalker believes the victim will love or learn to love them, and they may have a delusional belief that the victim already does love them. In many instances, they focus on prominent or celebrity figures.   How Can I Protect Myself From A Stalker?   1. Have No Contact With the Stalker Do not have any form of contact with the stalker. 2. Tell Others Although many stalking victims are reluctant to inform others of what they are going through, it is important that those around the victim know what is happening. This includes family, friends, co-habitants, work colleagues and even neighbors. 3. Increase Personal Protection Change daily routines e.g. the route or times going work, gym or other frequently attended locations Only give personal details to those you trust 4. Collect Evidence Proof is crucial in preparing a case against the stalker and it cannot be overestimated how important it is to keep all evidence and document your encounters and experience. The following are some ways in which to collect evidence: 5. Keep Evidence Telephone messages Try to record the message so can be stored in another format. Keep text messages on the phone, download to computer and show others 6. Reporting The Stalking to Police And Get A Restraining Order CRISIS HELPLINE 0800 567 567 GENDER BASED VIOLENCE HELPLINE 0800428 428 ABUSE HELPLINE 0800 150 150 SAPS NATIONAL LINE 08600 10111

Through The Mind of A Stalker Read More »

families

Boundaries In Brown Families

Boundaries In Brown Families Boundaries in brown families is a subject of importance. In this article, Sanam Naran explains why it can be very difficult to implement boundaries in brown families. Though this is possible, it becomes important that a family adopts a supportive structure such as Conscious Psychology to maneuver through the difficulties.    Why Enforcing Boundaries In Brown Families Are Difficult: You feel guilty for putting yourself first. Self-sacrifice is common in brown culture. You want to be liked and accepted. Saying “no” feels like you’d be seen as unreasonable or difficult. You may have grown up learning to abandon your own needs, which is a result of intergenerational trauma. You’re taught to never speak back and if you do, you’re seen as disrespectful. (Although, enforcing boundaries does not equate to “speaking back”.) Boundaries require you to speak up. It’s not often acceptable that you have a voice, especially if you’re female. You may feel indebted towards your parents. Your family or parents have struggled with their own boundaries. Disclaimer: Enforcing boundaries can be difficult in any culture.   How Do I Enforce Boundaries In My Family? Well, start with smaller boundaries. If you’ve never set boundaries it may come as a surprise to them. Explain to them what boundaries are, why they are important to you and how they will help all your relationships. You can’t expect them to read your mind. Be clear about your needs, even if you think they should just naturally know. You need to be clear when a boundary has been violated. Communicate this politely. Getting angry when a boundary is violated is completely normal. It’s how you express that anger that is important. Be polite, yet firm. Keep enforcing your boundaries, even if you have to constantly repeat yourself. Expect and pre-empt that you will feel guilt, which is normal. Make space for it but recognize when you feel shame. That’s something that needs to be reflected on a bit deeper. You need to respect their boundaries too. Enforcing boundaries is not easy, especially if you’ve never done it before. It’s a skill that takes practice and involves a great deal of emotional work. You may find that they start to guilt-trip you when you set boundaries. Set them, anyway, they will still love you. You can read more articles by Sanam Naran on Families and Boundaries here. Disclaimer: This can be helpful to all cultures & families. Not just brown. Should be applied tentatively in abusive families.

Boundaries In Brown Families Read More »

Family Therapy

Family Therapy

Family Therapy Family Therapy has fast become a necessity and a need that we all cannot do without. If you are born and you are now grown, then you certainly need therapy, it is even more impactful when the whole family opts in for therapy. In this educational summary, Sanam Naran gives us insights into the application for family therapy in modern society.  History of Family Therapy and Assessment The assessment of the individual and their family relationships has been and is still a constantly evolving portion of marriage and family counselling literature. According to many root sources, these include parental marital satisfaction, religious and social class similarities, orientation of family, social environment, and previous experiences with marriage and divorce. Early writings on psychology focused primarily on the perception of relationships within the older generation, and explored the notion of parental marital satisfaction predicting personal marital happiness. Some earlier sociological approaches attempted to relate the larger social environment to marital selection and satisfaction. For example, in order for one to have a “successful” and “good” marriage, one would have to have a similar world view to that of one’s spouse, but have enough complementary personality characteristics to keep the relationship interesting. Some terms were used to describe this adjustment to the relationship within a study. Family Therapy – Overview of Cybernetics First order cybernetics is a mechanical systems theory that concerns itself with the focus of regulation of feedback mechanisms operant in controlling both complex and simple systems. This is the epistemology proposed by family therapy theory; it is impossible to understand individual behaviour without considering the context in which the behaviour occurs. Consider, for example, the following scenario: “If mom and dad are having marital problems and little Lungi is acting up and throwing tantrums and Sihle is withdrawing and losing her appetite, we, as ecosystemic practitioners, do not bring Lungi for therapy or take Sihle to the GP, we look at the family in context and at what is happening in the system to cause this behaviour.” Some postmodern theorists hold a second-order cybernetic view. This contends that within the family structure, the individual has a unique reality, which (although separate) is a legitimate reality. This view regards objective descriptions of families as mere social constructions agreed upon by social interaction. Symptoms are viewed as oppressive and therapy is concerned with assisting the family to ‘re-author’ and reclaim control over their lives. The focus is therefore placed on the individual’s internal structure and includes his/her relationship within the system. Observers help to collectively create a new reality by interacting and resetting the inside setting of a system. The individual creates a reality unique to himself by drawing from experiences, perceptions, social insights and genetics. These elements all hold equal value and are all considered significant. Golann (1987) states that the central perspective of this system is the notion that one cannot describe or observe without modifying the subject of the observation, or by being modified in return.   Family Therapy – Systems Theory Systems are an integral part of human life. They can be man-made, or natural, non-living or living. The notion behind systems thinking is the impossibility of studying the phenomenon of a component of a system without considering it as a part of a greater whole. Instead of breaking it up into basic components, the systemic perspective is concerned with a global perspective. Some of the founders of the core concepts surrounding systems theory, notably Each part affects the others and by default, the system as a whole. Some of these principles, when applied to psychology, help to explore and explain patterns of behaviour. This particular approach was spearheaded by several individuals, including Gregory Bateson, Murray Bowen, Anatol Rapoport, W. Ross Ashby, and Margaret Mead (Anderson, 1997).   Concepts of Systems Theory A group of parts interacting to construct a coherent whole form the basis of the system. For something to be considered a system, it needs to have a distinct boundary separating it from external elements. Systems can also be circuits, where the outputs of a system loop back and become its inputs. Changes in a specific part of a system will change the system as a whole. This theory has been applied to the field of psychology, where it is known as systems psychology. In order to view psychology through the lens of systems theory, one must regard an individual within a group or system to be seeking homeostasis within that system. In order to create and maintain a system that works for everybody within it, it is imperative that each member’s needs, desires, expectations and behaviours are considered and regarded with equal importance. Therefore, when issues arise – they are attributed to the breakdown of the system as a whole, and not the deficiency apparent in one individual (Kerr and Bowen, 1988). Systems Theory and Family Systems Therapy This theory alludes to the fact that individuals cannot be holistically understood in isolation and must be considered within the family’s emotional unit. Bowen theorized that individuals must be viewed within their family of origin. In other words, their ancestry plays an important role in their emotional development. This concept was then developed into a popular form of treatment called family systems therapy. Effective modes Once everybody is aware of these behaviours, and can understand the history of these behaviours, the family can appropriate new behaviours that can benefit them and the rest of the family (Kerr and Bowen, 1988).   Mental health studies have long neglected the promotion and study of health. By concentrating on mental illness, a family was considered normal only if it displayed no signs of symptoms. The assumptions about healthy families were largely utopian and speculative, extracted only from studies of severely disturbed clinical cases. The systems paradigm conceptualized the family by focusing on parent-child bonds and was linear and deterministic (von Bertalanffy, 1968). However, early family assessment and treatment succeeded to focus on some dysfunctional family processes which

Family Therapy Read More »

anxiety

Anxiety Disorder

Anxiety Disorder – Introduction Everyone experiences anxiety at some point of their lives and this is because anxiety is a normal human emotion. Anxiety is the body’s natural way of responding to stress. Anxiety is not always negative, and can have life-saving qualities. However, it can also be negative and debilitating. Anxiety has played a key role in psychodynamic theory, neuroscience focused research and cognitive behavioural principles. Anxiety disorders also make up common groups of psychiatric disorders. This article will focus on anxiety disorders by discussing the difference between fear and anxiety, and thereafter looking at the different types of anxiety disorders. The specific types of anxiety disorders that will be discussed are generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, phobias with specific focus on agoraphobia, and lastly, obsessive-compulsive disorder. Anxiety – South Africa One in four people meet the diagnostic criteria for at least one anxiety disorder (Sadock, Sadock & Ruiz, 2015). South Africa is no different, a study conducted by Williams, Herman, Stein, Heeringa, Jackson, Moomal and Kessler (2008) revealed that anxiety disorders are very common amongst South Africans. Anxiety disorders include disorders that share features of excessive fear and anxiety and related behavioural disturbances. Panic attacks feature prominently within the anxiety disorders, but are not limited to anxiety disorders and can also be seen in other mental disorders. There is often a relationship between stress and anxiety, as anxiety is one of the responses that people may have in relation to stress. If the ego is not functioning well with response to stress, and imbalance continues for a long time, the person may experience chronic anxiety, which is anxiety over one’s lifetime (Sadock, Sadock & Ruiz, 2015). Anxiety disorders differ from one another in the types of objects or situations that induce fear, anxiety, or avoidance behaviours, and the associated cognitive ideation. Thus, while the anxiety disorders tend to be highly comorbid with each other, they can be differentiated by close examination of the types of situations that are feared or avoided and the content of the associated thoughts or beliefs. (APA, 2013, p. 189). Anxiety can also have positive effects in our lives, for example, anxiety might assist someone who needs to prepare for an exam by helping them study under stressful situations in order to pass that exam. One might avoid a ball that was thrown at their head to prevent an injury that would have otherwise occurred, or running to catch the last bus might prevent one from missing the last transport available for them to get home. Anxiety – Obsessive-Compulsive Obsessive-compulsive and related disorders include obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), body dysmorphic disorder, hoarding disorder, trichotillomania (hair-pulling disorder), excoriation (skin-picking) disorder, substance/medication-induced obsessive-compulsive and related disorder, obsessive-compulsive and related disorder due to another medical condition, and other specified obsessive-compulsive and related disorder and unspecified obsessive-compulsive and related disorder (e.g. body-focused repetitive behaviour disorder, obsessional jealousy). OCD is characterized by the presence of obsessions and/or compulsions. Obsessions are recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced as intrusive and unwanted, whereas compulsions are repetitive behaviours or mental acts that an individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly (Stein, 2002). Some other obsessive-compulsive and related disorders are also characterized by preoccupations and by repetitive behaviours or mental acts in response to the preoccupations. Other obsessive-compulsive and related disorders are characterized primarily by recurrent body-focused repetitive behaviours (e.g. hair pulling, skin picking) and repeated attempts to decrease or stop the behaviours. (APA, 2013, p. 235). Olfactory reference syndrome is a belief that one has foul body odour that is not perceived by other people, the repetitive behaviour would be bathing or changing clothes repeatedly (Sadock, Sadock & Ruiz, 2015). It needs to be noted that OCD is different from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. The obsessive-compulsive personality disorder relates to the preoccupation with details, perfectionism, neatness and similar personality traits (Sadock, Sadock & Ruiz, 2015). Fear versus Anxiety Although there are many similarities between fear and anxiety, these are two very different concepts (Ohman, 1993; Ohman, 2008). These two states overlap but also differ, with fear more associated with surges of autonomic arousal necessary for fight or flight, thoughts of immediate danger, and escape behaviours; and anxiety more often associated with muscle tension and vigilance in preparation for future danger and cautious or avoidant behaviours (APA, 2013). They are both associated with intense negative feelings and strong bodily manifestations (Ohman, 2008). Fear is the emotional response to real or perceived imminent threat, whereas anxiety is anticipation of a future threat. Fear is a response to a known external, definite threat, whereas anxiety is an alerting signal, which warns of a future threat or danger (Sadock, Sadock & Ruiz, 2015). This particular threat may be real or unreal. Anxiety assists the person by encouraging them to act in a way that may prevent or postpone this future threat or danger (Ohman, 1993; Ohman, 2008). Ohman (2008) theorised that anxiety is unresolved fear. He further said that fear is a focused response to external stimuli (e.g. phobias). If this fear is not processed or dealt with, it is likely to result in anxiety, which is unfocused, the result of which would be a panic attack relating to those phobias. This is how fear is related to panic attacks. Although a panic attack forms part of anxiety disorders, it is related to fear, as it is unresolved fear from the past. Another alternative is that the unresolved fear may cause constant mental preoccupations, which would result in generalized anxiety disorder. This example demonstrates how fear penetrates and relates to different anxiety disorders. Clinical Features of Anxiety Disorders Generalized Anxiety Disorder People who seem anxious about almost everything in their lives are classified as having generalized anxiety disorder (Sadock, Sadock & Ruiz, 2015). This worry is often difficult to control or stop. People diagnosed with GAD often say that they have been anxious for as long as they can remember, this

Anxiety Disorder Read More »

grief

Stages of Grief – Symptoms of Grief

How To Deal With Grief And Loss Grief is something that every individual gets to deal with in their lifetime, in this article, Sanam Naran takes us through an informative path to understanding what is grief, what are the types of grief and how to identify it. Losing a loved one can have dire consequence on one’s physical, social and emotional well-being. Loved ones may become deeply entrenched in our lives, that they can be part of our identity. When your daily life is so tightly knit to a loved one, the mere thought of their absence can cause a lot of physical, social and emotional pain. Grief can be described as an intense emotional response to bereavement or the loss of something or someone you cherish. The effects of grief may differ from person to person, and may present itself in several ways. In this article, I will be discussing Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder (PCBD) and complicated grief, alternatively called pathological grief, or traumatic grief. I will begin with an overview of normative bereavement reactions, then I will describe the diagnostic criteria for PCBD and the distinction between PCBD and other disorders. Next, I will describe treatments that have been effective in reducing PCBD symptoms. I will conclude by identifying common components of effective treatments and offering recommendations for practicing clinicians. Presentation Of Normal Grief Grief is an individual process, with different phases, which can vary in duration and phases. It cannot be seen as a linear process as it would differ from person to person. In the first year of loss, a large number of individuals may experience the following: cognitive disorganisation, health complications, and impairment in social and occupational functioning (Gotlib & LeMoult, 2014). There is seen to be a progress from acute grief to integrated grief in most individuals, however, one must be cognizant of their cultural backgrounds and upbringing as this may differ due to that (Barry, Kasl, & Prigerson, 2002). What is Acute grief? Acute grief can be explained as an intense despair and yearning for the loved one, a desire to meet them, thoughts and memories of them and a feeling of sadness that prevails throughout the day. What is Integrated grief? Integrated grief can be described as the acceptance of the deceased loved one and a progression to continue with one’s life without that person (Barry, Kasl, & Prigerson, 2002). The Kübler-Ross model explains a normal grieving process in stages as follows: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Holmes & Rahe, 1967), Research by Holmes & Rahe (1967) showed that during the six months after a loss, the reality of the loss gradually sets in as the denial gradually fades out. Rag and depression are experienced in five and six months, after which there begins a decline in these stages. After six months, all these stages are less intense, and the individual begins to accept (Holmes & Rahe, 1967). What are some of the experiences that a grieving person: Cognitive Disorganisation Confusion and preoccupation Individuals will experience feelings of preoccupation with the deceased, a sense of disorganization and confusion (Balk, 2011). Disturbance of identity These individuals often feel as if something has been taken away from their identity and their being. Some find that they do things in a similar way to the deceased. They also often contemplate about their own deaths (Gotlib and LeMoult, 2014). Sense of disrupted future Most of these individuals are unable to foresee a future without their loved ones and find a lack of motivation to continue on with their lives (Balk, 2011). Long-term search for meaning They are often trying to understand their loss and why it has occurred. Most of these individuals find it challenging to make meaning of their loss in the first few months after the death (Balk, 2011). Dysphoria Distressing emotions in the bereavement process These individuals will often begin to experience survivor guilt. They may also begin to question what they could have done differently to avoid the death of their loved one. Anger is often directed to the deceased, other family members or God (Gotlib and LeMoult, 2014). Pining or yearning It is said that grief only occurred if there was a strong sense of ‘pining’ or yearning for their loved one (Balk, 2011). Loneliness An individual will often report feelings of intense loneliness and begin to isolate themselves from others which could cause a deeper sense of loneliness (Balk, 2011). Health Deficits Health behaviours and complaints These individuals may experience health problems associated with appetite, sleep disturbances, breathing problems and palpitations. An increase in mortality rates is also noticed (Gotlib and LeMoult, 2014). Types of Loss Ambiguous loss can be described as a type of loss that complicates grief and prevents a type of closure (Boss, 2014). This loss is characterized by the individual not fully understanding the loss and searching for answers to the point where they are not able to accept and resolved their mourning. There exists three types of grief that can develop from ambiguous loss: Anticipatory grief occurs before the death of a loved one and becomes anticipated by all members of the family. A loved one with a terminal illness can cause individuals to experience this type of grief (Balk, 2011). The second type of grief is frozen grief that results from physical or psychological disappearance of a loved one. The third type of grief is disenfranchised grief. This occurs when the grief is not taken seriously example the loss of a pet (Gotlib and LeMoult, 2014).   Complicated Grief is characterized by overwhelming grief that persists for at least six months after the death of the loved one. Here are some of the signs of complicated grief: Profound yearning and powerful longing to be reconnected with the deceased, Intense separation distress, Intrusive thoughts about the loved one, Disturbing images of the deceased or of the death event, Avoidance of reminders that the loved one has died, and Proximity seeking to feel closer

Stages of Grief – Symptoms of Grief Read More »

classroom psychology

Classroom Management

Classroom Management Introduction To Classroom Management   A child’s classroom time plays a great role in shaping their behaviours and mannerisms. It’s very important that we Learn how to discipline children in a healthy and non-judgmental way. Learn the difference between punishment and discipline. Some things might seem strange at first but it will all make sense towards the end. Please participate, ask questions in the comment section, and follow up to learn as much as possible.   Punishment vs Discipline   Discipline can be seen as correcting future behaviours so that a child can benefit, learn and grow. It is absolutely best practice to teach a child self-control and appropriate behaviour. A child learns security and a sense of care coming from the adult. A good example is when child speaks to a fellow student while the teacher is on a call. The teacher decides to coach the child on how to behave in the future when he/she is on the phone. The end result is the child’s enthusiasm and effort to doing it right in the future.   Punishment is making a child pay for past mistakes. The focus of punishment is on controlling the behaviour of the child for the adults benefit. Using the same example, it becomes punishment when the teacher decides to stop allowing the child from sitting with the fellow student because they spoke while he/she was on a call. By punishing the child, the adult is reducing the chances of having another call disturbed. The end result is the child feeling fear and guilt.   How To Create A Disciplined Environment For A Child   Rules only get to work when they are consistent, meaning, you reward or praise a child for making their bed in the morning and the child will continue to do so, but discipline him if he stops. Routines bring about predictability and they make a child feel safe. For example, break times, whereby the child is allowed to work for a certain period and then play by doing this they don’t lose motivation. It’s very important that you do this consistently to create a safe zone for the child. Always follow through with what you instruct them to do even if they start crying. A child becomes responsible when you assign responsibilities to them regularly. Make rules for who is responsible for certain chores in the classroom, this will also help the child feel important. Hand out exercise books, clean the chalkboard, give praise when done well.   Positive reinforcement/rewards Will make good behaviour happen again because they are motivation. It doesn’t have to be a gift or sweets, but praise, attention, physical contact – any gesture that a child can interpret as an accolade. It’s important that you don’t hold back rewards until far after the good behaviour, it must be used immediately after good behaviour. Be specific when you praise them, meaning that you should specify what you are rewarding them for so that they look forward to doing it again. Most children misbehave only to get the attention of adults, so they might be naughty to get your attention because you haven’t been noticing the good they are doing.   Negative reinforcement/punishment: Hitting them teaches them that it’s okay to hit others. Never hit or release your own anger on them. Other forms: Taking away rewards, i.e. watching tv or maybe removing a toy, as well as time-outs (mustn’t be a nice or exiting place, taken away from other people). Example: If Thandi pulls Bonolo’s hair, take her by the arm firmly and tell her not to pull anyone’s hair. Then put her in the corner facing a wall for 6 minutes because she’s 6 years old. When she is quiet, she can join the other kids. If she is crying or throwing tantrums, start time-out again. All behaviour has consequences. Find out the reason for naughty behaviour. Must be a reason for misbehaviour.   How To Apply Effective Discipline 1. Being able to separating the child from their behaviour will pave a way for effective discipline. Remember that it is behaviour that upsets you, not them.   2. Give the child choices: Easy choice (Sit still and concentrate), come to the front and I can help you (co-operative), or go to the principal’s office to get disciplined (forced choice)…YOU DECIDE? (Empower them)   3. Assertiveness Recipe: Links behaviour with consequence. Eg) “Sipho, when you hit Mandla, I feel very angry because it disrupts the class and no one can concentrate. I want you to keep your hands to yourself and listen so that I can carry on teaching and we can all learn what we need to.”   Here Are Some Alternatives to Physical Aggression Towards Children When you are angry and feel like lashing out on your child, just stop in your tracks, step back and sit down. Take five deep breaths, inhale and exhale. Count to 10 or say the alphabet out loud. Phone or visit a friend Punch a pillow or bite an apple Page through a magazine, photo album etc Do some exercise Write down your thoughts Put your feet up Put on your music

Classroom Management Read More »

conflict management

Conflict Management In The Workplace

Conflict Management In The Workplace What Is Conflict? Conflict can be considered as a chance for growth, but if not handled properly, can become dangerous to relationships, especially in the workplace. Conflict can be identified as the disagreement of two or more ideas or interests that have the intention of meeting the same expectation or goal. Though an organization employs many people to perform different tasks, they are all expected to meet the same goal which is the business of the organization. Workers are expected to work their different roles together for one common purpose, but at times when these different roles meet, the people in those roles struggle to reach an agreeable point. Conflicts are common in a lot of places, but in this article, Sanam Naran gives a deeper insight into the subject, Conflict Management In The Workplace. Two Aspects of A Conflict Positive Aspects: Allows people to voice their concerns Bring about good change Survival Strategy Strengthen relationships Sense of achievement   Negative Aspects: Personal attack Permanently hurts others Becomes only way to communicate ones needs   Different Ways People React To Conflict In The Workplace   The teddy bear (Soothing)- Gives up goals to maintain highest possible level of relationship. Colleague feels strongly about something and you couldn’t care less.   The owl (negotiating)- Negotiates, aimed at making sure both parties reach their goals   The fox (compromising)– Gives up part of their goals eg: share a raise salary   The turtle (withdrawing)– You give up both goals and the relationship and avoid the person   The shark (Forcing)- Trying to achieve your goal at all costs, demand to get your own way no matter how it hurts the other person. Goal is important, not the relationship. Eg: buying a car, you may want to act like a shark.   Steps To Resolving A Conflict   – Define the conflict situation together (listen to one another, define what the person is from the other persons point of view) -Exchanging reasons for positions (Say why you have the need and ask questions) -Understand other person’s perspective (listen to all sides) -Options for mutual gain (Look at possible options in which both parties gain) -Reaching a wise agreement Assertiveness: 3 ways of communicating Aggressive Assertive Non-assertive/passive   Benefits of being assertive – You are happy with self, internal control, better self-image and worth, prevent stress related problems, active participation, decision making. Recipe: Communicate how you feel. When you (person specific behaviour) I feel (the feeling words Eg: anger) because (reason) I would rather (What you want). Passive: Let the group brainstorm consequences of non-assertive behaviour. Anxiety, depression, anti- social aggressive behaviour, low self esteem.

Conflict Management In The Workplace Read More »

Masking Behaviours

Masking Behaviours – Psychology

Masking Behviours In Psychology “Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks, and none of them are me. Don’t be fooled. For god’s sake don’t be fooled. I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game. And that I need no one. But don’t believe me. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls. I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing and that I’m just no good, and that you will reject me. And so begins the parade of masks. I idly chatter to you. I tell you everything that’s really nothing and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying. I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and “me.” But you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand. Each time your kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty. It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back but I’m told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my only hope. Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, but gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder. I am every man you meet, and also every woman that you meet, and I am you, also.”   What Is Masking In Psychology? Presenting a certain face to the world is something that most people are familiar with. For example, when you have a day you are feeling a bit off colour and yet you smile and say you are fine when someone asks. Beneath the mask of sounding positive, you are keeping your true feelings to yourself.   This is something very common that we all do. The different masks people wear throughout the day acts as a social disguise and help them get through a variety of situations. Masking is a process in which an individual changes their natural personality to conform to social pressures, abuse or harassment.   It can be strongly influenced by environmental factors such as one’s upbringing, rejection, emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Masking can also be described as concealing one emotion by portraying another emotion, that is concealing negative emotions with other emotions either positive or negative.   Masking is to behave in certain ways that would help one hide or repress their emotions that are not approved by those around them. In a nutshell masking is protecting oneself from feeling the true emotion. A List of Reasons Why People Mask Their Emotions: To gain social acceptance To be liked To hide excitement To hide happiness To hide vulnerability To hide the truth To hide fear To hide anger To hide sadness To hide depression To hide pain To deceive To manipulate   The Types of Masks People Wear To Hide Emotions: Anger mask: Anger can be used to keep people away rather than to genuinely express how you feel. Some people behave as though they are angry knowing that others will avoid them because of anger. Anger feels more powerful than hurt, fear, or sadness and can also be used to avoid those painful feelings. People who use this mask are usually lonely and feel worthless in the inside. Happy Mask: Appearing happy is another way of people protect themselves. By being happy people tend to leave you alone and not ask questions, which is precisely why people put on this mask. You joke and smile when you meet with others even though you are not happy inside. People-Pleasing Mask: People put on this mask by doing whatever it takes to make other people around them happy. They do this so that they are accepted and not attacked by others. When one is wearing a “People-Pleasing Mask” they go all out for others not because they love doing so, but because they are trying to avoid a negative feedback. Humour Mask: Humour can be used as a good way to divert information from oneself. Similar to “Happy Mask”, by making jokes and being a comedian, it makes people believe you are well and happy, but in reality you are trying to hide guilt, shame and pain. How Can You Remove Masking Behaviours? Awareness Recognition Realization Action

Masking Behaviours – Psychology Read More »

Death of A Loved One – Coping With The Death of A Loved One

How To Cope With The Death Of A Loved One The Experience of Mourning Coping with a death involves an understanding of various important things about bereavement. Experiencing loss is not a nice thing, but it happens to everyone in life. It can affect your feelings, body, thoughts and behaviour. In this article, Sanam Naran explains some of the things that we encounter having lost a loved one, and gives us her expertise to help cope with them in a much better way.    Feelings Sadness: Feeling alone and like you want to cry all the time. Sometimes you can’t eat or sleep, and you often lose weight. It’s okay to feel sad when we lose something but it’s important that we accept the loss. Anger- Losing a loved one is something you cannot control and this is what makes you angry. Remember you can’t control the loss but you can control how you grieve. Guilt- Blaming yourself for not preventing the loss. Accept that we are all human beings and we can’t control everything. Anxiety- When you think about the absence of your loved one and how it’s currently treating you, you’re going to worry how you’ll survive the loss. You must accept the power you have. Loneliness- You feel anxious and alone. Maybe change perception and appraisal. Fatigue- Feeling very tired. This is normal when a person is stressed. (It is not a deficiency). Shock- Disbelief and feeling numb are part of the process. Relief- Mixed blessings of sadness and relief. (Don’t feel guilty about having such feelings). All of the above are NORMAL reactions when dealing with a loss. Physical (Body) reactions: When you are confronted with the reality of a loss, your physical body will have be affected and here are some of the things that are likely to happen in your body. Hollow stomach Tight chest and throat Over sensitivity to noise Shortness of breath Weakness of muscles Dry mouth Lack of energy General numbness Thoughts: Disbelief- This happens during the first stage of grief and is the difficulty to accept the reality of loss. Confusion- Difficult to keep the mind off one topic but you must give yourself a break. Preoccupation- Thinking about a lot of things at once e.g. the loss, wishful thinking, and desire to return to the past. Imagination- Seeing things as they were before and pretending it was that time again and the person is still here with you.   Behaviour: Sleeping- Trouble falling asleep. Eating- Increase or decrease of appetite. Social withdrawal- Limiting the social events that you attend until you have dealt with the loss. Dreaming- You dream about the person you lost. Active- Less energy to do things and restlessness. Crying- You need to express your grief and hurt.   Stages of Grief There are natural stages that everyone goes through; this can be seen as a long road or journey. It starts from the day the person has died and usually lasts for at least one year. Denial- Shock, disbelief, numbness, denial and blocking of feelings. Anger- You can’t go back and change anything you said or did. You can’t say what you wish you could have said. Depression/loss- Tearfulness, lack of energy, ongoing sadness, and deep sense of loss, hopelessness, and life is not worth living. (If this stage last for longer than it should, the person can become physically ill.) Bargaining- Yearning and searching for answers. Constant questions, why did they do this to me? Asking questions to God, trying to find meaning into why this death occurred. Acceptance- giving up false hope and moving on with your life. A new identity slowly develops as you adapt to the change. Growth and inner strength through grief. Important to note that one can be going through more than one stage at a time. Also they can move from acceptance back to anger or sadness. Practical Ways to Help People Who Are Grieving Opportunities to say goodbye/ ceremonies Attend the funeral or write a letter to say goodbye. Closure is always needed. Opportunities to remember Journal/memory boxes/albums/collages Talk about special memories of that person. Share funny moments/ heart-warming/ painful moments. Things to Consider Predisposition to depression, anxiety, poor academic performance and behavioural problems. Each person can react in a different way. If bereavement is traumatic, it may lead to disconnection. They cannot function normally every day. Challenges their basic trust and relationships. Challenges his/her belief system. Shatter construction of self. Disconnected from others. When you notice someone is not coping, even after supporting them, they may need professional help.

Death of A Loved One – Coping With The Death of A Loved One Read More »

violence

Violence In The Home And The Community

Violence in the Home and the Community In recent months the internet and television has been bombarded with many incidents of violence ranging from kidnapping, murders, lootings, gender based violence and other destructions and this has affected many people’s lives. In this article, Sanam Naran addresses the topic of violence, giving us clear view of the subject, how we can identify it and therefore overcome it.  What is violence? Violence is something that is done to hurt another person, object or animal. It can be something you do or something you say which hurts their body or their feelings. Types of Violence: There are different types of violence that happens around us that affect our day to day lives. It’s important that you identify violence when it’s happening and take the necessary steps in preventing it from escalating. For more counselling on approaching a violent situation, please CLICK HERE and speak to one of our professional counsellors. Here’s a list of common violence. Domestic Violence Community Violence Sexual Violence Sexual Violence Gang Violence Domestic Violence Domestic violence happens at home when family members fight, whether they are arguing or hitting. Domestic violence affects one’s mental health in a tremendous way and it’s so common not to be aware that you are psychologically affected when you are the victim. When one of more members of the family are arguing uncontrollably and even hitting each other, then it has escalated to domestic violence. if it happens that you are a victim of domestic violence or you are seeing symptoms of domestic violence, it’s important that you reach out to a professional for assistance.   Community Violence This type of violence happens when community members are fighting with each other. One of the most recent examples of community violence was the July 2021 unrest that took place in South Africa. There are many other incidents of community violence that we can list. Community violence increases fear and insecurity among the members of a community and most often affects the economy within that community. Most locally owned business close down because of violence in our communities. It’s very important that we invest more of our resources towards group therapies within our communities to best reduce the causes of community violence.  Sexual Violence Rape cases in South Africa are the high. A lot of women are not aware that they have been sexually violated in most instances and this has liberated sexual offenders at high rate. It’s important that you are able to identify sexual violence and the signs of a sexual offender, this will assist you in preventing it before escalating. What is sexual violence? You have been sexually violated when you have been raped or physically abused in a sexual way. Sexual violence can be forcing someone to participate in any sexual activity that they have not consented to. Gang Violence Young people form gangs for many reasons, one the most common reasons is to feel important, safe or powerful. Gangs often become violent with one another and may fight over drugs or territory. The period of adolescence is filled with stress and uncertainty about self-identity, this has been one of the most common influences of gangsterism and gang violence. It is common for teens to question society, their community values and beliefs, as well as experimenting in different roles, so it’s important that they have supportive family and friends. Teens spend a huge amount of time with peers, and usually want to feel accepted. Peers’ opinions become very important in a teen’s life, and this is where peer pressure comes from. Peer pressure will always result in positive and negative outcomes. Gangs provide a sense of security, protection and belonging that a teenager might be lacking at home. Gangs are social groups that value exaggerated forms of masculinity, risk taking and autonomy. It’s very important that you get all the support you need from a professional when dealing with changes and developments at this stage of your or your teen’s life.  How To Identify Abusive Violence Physical Abuse– Involves threat of violence, forms of intimidation such as reckless driving, destruction of property, slapping, punching or kicking, strangling, burning, stabbing, locked in the house, threatened with a weapon or shot. Sexual Abuse– raped incest, date rape or gang rape. Use of force to obtain sex. Forced into prostitution. Emotional Abuse– Pressure, put down, ignored, made fun of, criticised, isolated, shouted or sworn at, death threats. Partners, who make empty promises, refuse to pay child support. Financial Abuse– Taking or withholding money or being forced to account for every cent of the money or having child support withheld. How To Protect Yourself From Violence One of our natural reflexes when we are faced with danger is flight, and is usually the best option in a violent situation. When you have identified signs of violence in someone towards you, it is best to run away. Stay away from dangerous places. You almost can always tell when you are in an unsafe space, it’s always the best advise to stay away from such places or people. Stay away from strangers. Avoid letting your guard down when surrounded with strangers. Don’t provoke or argue with people who have been drinking. Keep dangerous objects away from violent people. Stay near someone you trust. Always surround yourself with people that you know and trust. Know community police number and Child Line Why Do Men Abuse Women? Men believe they can control women, reinforced by social customs. Most abusive men resort to violence as a way of solving problems and this has lead to a lot of the domestic violence cases. Other men us violence to vent frustration out on partners who may be physically smaller. Some feel powerless in their lives and want to enforce power on people who have less power. Beliefs that men should be aggressive and women should be submissive. Others are abusive consequentially, as a result of being abused in the past. Men with low self-esteem need to assert

Violence In The Home And The Community Read More »